Nine years ago I was getting up and helping my little man get dressed, he was just three. We would head out, him eating his cheerios and me eating a granola bar, about 35 minutes later I would drop him off at nice day care, then I would head for my job as a graphic designer. I worked for a large print production company, had a good position and a reasonable income. The down side was the lack of a family friendly policy by the company, and long hours. When my time was up I would head over to pick up junior, some days for him were better than others, the thing that I remember the most was the crying. He would cry, cry from anxiety is the best I can figure. The type they say kids get over, but this was after a day at the day care.
To make a long story short after much prayer and some long conversations, we decided that someone needed to be at home. I was the logical choice. My bride, who has always worked hard, had a better job than I did. Shorter commutes, better benefits, better everything. My bride is seven years older than me and while I was working my forty hours and attending my college classes at night she was already working.
This very brief summary of the events leading up to me being the At-Home-Dad are to give some perspective to the decisions that my bride and I made together. There are far more details, but maybe some other time.
Last night I was looking over my self-improvement books and pulled out a book that I had purchased some time ago. Family Man, Family Leader, by Philip Lancaster. I had purchased this book in the hope of learning something that would help me to improve my role as husband and father. I decided the best way to look this book over before starting at page one was to look up this guy’s perspective on providing for the family, I was saddened by his comfortable position and rigid stance.
The point I would like to make about this book is don’t waste your money or your time. The sad fact is that this man, who in my judgment is talking from a comfortable position, has passed judgment upon all At-Home-Dads.
I’ll give you an example of my outrage and I quote from his book.
“The Mr. Mom household in which the woman works to support the family and the man runs the household and cares for the kids is a perversion of God’s order. How is the man reflecting the fatherhood of God by acting like a mother?”
First off I want to be clear; I can’t act like a mother, because I’m not a woman. As far as supporting the family, my bride works very hard to earn the money our family needs to function. I won’t try to hide the fact that I would like to be in a traditional roll of making the money. But the reality is that money is just what a family needs to purchase the things that we need, it’s not what makes a family. I may not provide in the traditional sense, but I do provide with what my wife makes. I have learned how to manage God’s money and to make it stretch. Thankfully we have never been without what we need; we do without a lot of what we want.
In regards to “reflecting the fatherhood of God” I would say that I have been doing my best to reflect the attributes of Christ, patience, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, love, and sacrifice. I can’t say that everyday and don’t wish that I didn’t have to watch my bride get in the jeep at 4:20 am and head off to work. But in the real world the Lord has put me in; this is my role.
That’s not all he has to say, the next part might actually make you laugh. I quote again:” Better a family lives poorly on the father’s lean wages than that the gifted wife supplant him in his role.” I must admit, supplant was not part of my college work, so I looked it up. Supplant; to take the place of another as through force, scheming or strategy, meaning number two; to replace one thing by something else.
Lean wages, so what this man is saying is that to have your family do without certain provisions is acceptable, as long as the wife doesn’t work outside the home. That defies my logic, as the “head of the house” I work with my wife in doing what is best for the whole family.
I didn’t spend any time looking to see this man’s views on education. As I’ve stated before we homeschool. Our set up there is shared. I teach Math, History, Science, Bible, and Spanish. My wife teaches Language Arts and Literature. These are our areas of ability, I won’t try to teach Language Arts, and it’s not that I can’t, it’s just not the best solution, she is far more gifted at teaching this subject, and therefore she takes it on. The same is true with our positions in the home. I have not abdicated my roll as father and husband, not by any means, but as household manager I do my best to fill the positions within our home that are best suited to each of our gifts an needs.
A final word about how difficult the At-Home-Dad position can be and how isolated you can feel. In my experience in being the At-Home-Dad I have learned to read people, men and women. Women are very accepting of my unusual roll, I think that is because I do what they do, not in the same way of course, but the physical household chores. Men on the other have a lot of hang-ups. I can read them; I know when they don’t respect what I do for my family. Fellow Christians are usually the ones who really don’t know how to react. There are some that would love to do what I do, but others admit they could never do it. I guess the most difficult part of what I do is that my circle of friends is very small, one of the reasons I started doing this blog was to encourage other dads. I am also very careful and respectful of those women that I do know who function in the at-home-mom and/or homeschooling capacity, and I don’t go out to lunch or even play poker for coupons with them. I currently have no friends that do what I do, so it is an isolated feeling. I’ve heard that there are one or two other at-home-dads in our homeschool group, but I’ve not met them yet.
I will also admit I’m not sure where the Lord is taking me, but I know that wherever it is my faith is resting in the right place. But Mr. Mom, I am not!
